Charlie the chimp loves hacking butts

Classic case of monkey see, monkey do. But they are worried that his health will suffer. You might as well let the chimp smoke a couple of butts.........he's in jail for God's sake. It makes a much more interesting attratction to see a smoking chimp. If I ever make it to South Africa I'm going to throw him a joint.

Training Dogs

I can't wait to get a dog and start training it to do my bidding. These dogs are intense to say the least. One of them even turns on the officer........Good Dog!

Distraction to the max

This is a much better game to F the D. Enjoy exploring the world of XIMO.

Surrogate mom delivers quints – for free

Talk about gettin' something for nothing.........this couple didn't even have to pay. Personally I would have asked for 5 times more money.
I've always thought that surrogate mothers are a strange breed and and don't play with a full deck. An analogy might be someone who volunteers to test pharmaceuticals. Why would anyone put their own well being on the line for no apparent reason? Something tells me that this surrogate mother is going to cause big problems for the parents. Koo-koo-brackus!

The keys to heaven are in your pants

Keeping with the sacrieligous theme, here is a redic funny site focused on abstinence. Check out the "Ask Dr. Frist" and "Your Stories".

Virgin Mary Spotted

The image of The Virgin Mary has recently been spotted on a Chicago Expressway Underpass. A commuter spotted the image and pulled over to start praying. Check out the slide show and tell me what you think it is. Road specialists believe the marking may have been caused by salt or a water mark from expressway above. I think it may be bum piss. What ever it might be it is not The Virgin Mary. And definitely not something you want to be kneeling in.
I think there is a lot of money to be made in this demographic. It seems that every other week someone sees a potato chip that looks like Jesus or the image of Mary. These are fanatical people who are desperate to find something that will give meaning to their lives. I am glad that they found something..........

Monday Blues

There is nothing out there today.

A REALISTIC ASSESSMENT OF HOW MANY 12-YEAR-OLDS I COULD BEAT UP BEFORE THEY OVERTOOK ME.

This is some pretty funny shit, yo. I got it as an e-mail and had to post.

Your average 12-year-old boy is about 5 feet tall, weighs in the area of a buck-fifteen, and has developed little muscle mass. I am 21, approximately 6 feet tall, tip the scales at an even 180, and have a moderately athletic and muscular build. Judging on these statistics and what I assume would be a natural ferocity that would spring forth in a moment of physical danger, I estimate that I could beat up seven 12-year-olds before they overtook me.

Of course, these would have to be the aforementioned average-sized 12-year-olds. Future linebackers, NBA players, and all Scandinavian children would throw off this equation. On the flip side, if these were some wimpy, four-square-playing, future-jockey 12-year-olds, I imagine the number would skyrocket to anywhere between 12 and 15. It's simple exponential math.

This is also assuming that my opponents are smart enough to organize themselves into a circular attack instead of coming at me one by one. If it were an individual, king-of-the-mountain battle royale, I could endlessly pummel 12-year-olds without mercy. But we're assuming at least a sixth-grade education in a marginal public school as well as some exposure to kung-fu movies, so these kids would form a circle.

However, using my quick wits, I would charge one portion of the circle, landing a devastating blow on the unlucky individual, which would make the others proceed with hesitancy. One on one, I feel like I could deliver a lot of punishment to a 12-year-old. There would be one or two brave ones who would jump on my back, distracting me and thus enabling the others to attack. At best, I could fight off the two heroes on my back and maybe take out four on the ground before I was felled by fatigue and numerous kicks to my groin and shins. This would equal a grand total of seven.

My friend Brian, who stands about 6 feet 2 inches and is stronger than myself, estimates that he could take down a dozen 12-year-olds. I find this hard to believe, but he has been in a fight with people his own age and is a little taller, making groin shots more difficult. Brian's reach is much longer than mine as well, which is a huge advantage. If you can land solid shots from a distance longer than the 12-year-olds' legs, there is no need to worry about groin kicks. He says he would attack one portion of the circle in a fury, scaring off any would-be heroes who wanted to jump on his back and sacrifice themselves for the group. Then he would deal massive blows until fatigue and the inevitable groin shots brought him to the ground. I told him I'd give him nine or ten, but even for the above-average Brian, taking down a dozen 12-year-olds seems like a lot.

If it weren't for the law and my own morals, we could put these pressing questions to rest.

The Meat Sweats

William Blake once said, "you never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough!" This is my philosophy of the buffet. Today I visited the Glory of India on 4th Avenue ate my birth weight in food.
I recently had ankle surgery and have been using crutches to get around so Richard served me my first plate. My plate came to me heaping with saffron rice, butter chicken, beef vindaloo and two pieces of nan bread. I swallowed that down in time for Chris to help me with number two. This time I followed him to the buffet to have a look and see what I liked. Starting at the salad trough a small portion of chick pea concoction. Moving to the rice and then the tandori chicken and finally a second helping of the butter chicken. That was more than enough. I couldn't even drink any water.
Now, sitting back in my office , shivering from the meat sweats I can only wait for the food comma to hit. It won't be long now. Why do I do it? I should now better.
Holy crap I hate buffets....or is it my lack of self control?

Criminal Mastermind

An 18-year-old woman accused of pretending to be twin 12-year-old boys and simultaneously dating two adolescent girls will undergo a psychiatric evaluation to determine her competency to stand trial in San Mateo County Superior Court.

Confusing to say the least. Unbelievable what people try to get away with. It sounds like a bad screenplay based on a great idea.

Here is the Link

Virtural Bartender

Type in what you want and they do it. Cool.

Jessica Alba

This girl has got under my skin. She was flying under the radar for some time before the full scale strike. She is distressingly beautiful, loves to party and unknowingly poses for some fantastic photos. Enjoy!

I need to learn to post pictures directly to the blog. Links are ok but a picture is worth a thousand words. Got any suggestions for a caption for this one?

AWOL But Back

After ankle surgery and a Percocet hazed week, I'm back and bloging hard. Stay tuned for wicked links, insightful commentary and hilarious observations.